Dude, Where’s My Bride?

The dark history of the best man

Wedding season is in full swing, so time to break out the forgotten history of a key player in the wedding party, the best man.

Groomsmen are one thing, and there’s a legal reason for them: a Roman ritual where witnesses (always dudes) can testify to a marriage.

But to have a best man specifically set apart from the others, well, that story involves some treachery.

Historically the necessity of the best man originated from the need to commit a crime.

You read that right.

The specific role of the best man was to kidnap the bride.

Suppose dear old mom and dad didn’t approve of the man courting their daughter?

No prob, Bob! Just call up Bob, your best buddy, and ask him to steal her under cover of darkness, throw a veil over her face, and keep her hidden until the wedding.

For some eligible brides it got pretty competitive. Without any formal announcement any number of men could come steal a young lady away.

Perhaps this is the origin of the joke about locking daughters up until they’re thirty.

I’m pretty sure this is why dudes still don’t like women driving alone at night.

It is certainly why the groom stands to the right of the bride at the ceremony, leaving his sword arm free to fight off any last-minute suitors.

Going all the way back to Biblical times (check out the unfortunate women of Shiloh in the Book of Judges), women have been literally stolen away without consent for centuries.

Romulus (founder of Rome) kidnapped the daughters of the neighboring town when he didn’t have enough women to populate his budding new city.

Shocker.

A city ruled by bloodsport had a shortage of women? You don’t say!

In some cultures the groomsmen are called “Bride’s Knights” because they carry the bride to the wedding. This is also to “protect” her from other would-be kidnappers.

By the 16th century, the Germanic Goths elevated one specific dude as the best man (i.e. the designated kidnapper).

The best man also stood next to the bride during the ceremony to ensure no one else took her away (and made her think twice before making a run for it).

Historically, if a dude asked permission and the parents were pleased and the young lady was in love, there was really no need for a best man.

Before the 1753 Clandestine Marriages Act, bride kidnapping was all the rage in England, Wales, Scotland…just about every other part of the world.

Once the Act went into effect, couples had to obtain a marriage license ahead of the wedding.

Yep, a piece of paper ahead of time to prove nobody had been dragged off against their will to the nuptials.

Ridiculous though it is, stealing women away from their families without consent to marry them because you saw them in the marketplace once and decided they should be yours is a sad tradition that continues today in many parts of the world.

In Kyrgyzstan, an estimated fifty percent of marriages in rural parts of the country involve kidnapped women, despite being against the law.

In many countries “traditional practices” prevail over the law.

Bride snatching goes by many names: bride kidnapping, wife stealing, marriage by abduction, marriage by capture, bridenapping, even under the guise of marry-your-rapist laws that excuse the man from prosecution as long as he marries his victim.

It’s not all doom and gloom though.

On the island of Lombok, near Bali, women happily consent to being kidnapped by their beloved to get out of arranged marriages.

In this culture the parents arrange the marriages when the bride and groom are still children. If their daughters fall in love with someone else before the big day, the bride and groom arrange a kidnapping before the arranged wedding.

So if you simply must use a best man to steal your bride, don’t. Channel that inner neanderthal and then go the opposite direction.

What did you think I was going to say? Be more like Lombok and less like Uzbekistan?

No, dude, it’s 2025. Stop stealing women.